Momma Knows Best......

For all the talk of “momma knows best” this time, I can say, I certainly agree, as celebrity recording artist Khandi Burris and character on “the Real Housewives of Atlanta,” is slowly, but surely, finding out. Not for the obvious of course, i.e. the fact that her soon-to-be husband (so we think) has 6 kids by more than one woman, or because her fiancé won’t “man up” long enough to have a conversation with his future mother-in-law just to set the record straight but because it’s just plain stupid that a woman with everything going for her would make such a hasty decision to say yes to marrying someone she hasn’t even known that long. Notice I didn’t say stupid, because many of us have taken that trip in more ways than one, fortunately we were able to get off that cruise ship and make our way back home. Earth to Khandi..it’s time to come home now sweetie….Royal Caribbean has ended that tour. Nevertheless, I find myself feeling more and more sorry for her as I watch episode after episode, as she pleads for her mother to accept the fact that she’s happy with this man. And I can’t help but wonder why she can’t for one minute see the other side. Happiness is fleeting but peace is everlasting and right now it looks like they’ll be no peace in the foreseeable future. I’m not being a pessimistic I’m just calling it as I seem em. Although, I’m not a mom or married or dated enough men with children to make a completely solid case on this, I do know one thing for sure and that, is that, if I had a child he/she would have to be completely, 100%, on board with our union. I also know that my family: Mom, Dad, Aunt Betty, Uncle Lawrence, Aunt Smoothie, Uncle Lester, Aunt Boobee, Cousin Frankie, Sister Susie and the rest of my crew would have to be on board too if family meant that much to me. Does that mean that every bit of that person has to be loved by family, probably not, but there would have to be a mutual respect going on in order for me to walk down that aisle or else….we ain’t getting married! I also look at the future implications, that should they just happen to divorce (God forbid) how it would affect all of his kids, not just her daughter, but re-routing an entire family from one location to another to be with yet another woman or how seeing daddy fathering children with several different women looks (another topic that I know will cause a stir) or the fact that this young woman could very well pay child support or/alimony to this man (get a prenup please) or what this whole situation might do to her own family unit is what I question most. Again, I’m not a pessimist, just a realist and a woman who knows that no amount of great “wa wa,” money, or loneliness wouldn’t make me think twice before I, say, “I dew.”

The Truth Is......

For the past few days I’ve sat silently, as I watched replays on CNN of a dog and pony show taking place during the town hall meetings over one of the most serious issues our country has had to face in a very long time. And right now, I can no longer hold my tongue. And since this blog is about life, lessons and truth, I will try my best, to share my truth, without offending anyone. I cannot speak for the masses, I cannot speak for your truth but what I can do, is share my reason, for wanting health care reform. Perhaps if we listened to the bitter words of a woman’s family who had to bury her because she died from cancer simply because she was unable to pay for medication or have radical surgery to reverse her circumstance. Perhaps if we listened to the cries of young child suffering from a bone marrow disease but unable to receive a blood transplant because his parents couldn’t afford to pay for hospitalization. Or, perhaps if we saw the tears of a woman who no longer had a job because the small business she worked for, for over 10 years, could no longer afford to pay her and now she struggles to pay healthcare on her own even though she had always managed to stay healthy by grace along with her 3 kids. No longer can I stay silent when just a few years ago, I had to face, a similar dilemma. I was unemployed but was fortunate enough to have received a contract sales position that lasted all of 3 months. I was grateful for the opportunity but knew in my heart that I had just enough to eat, pay for rent and fill up my gas tank. There was absolutely, positively, no way that I would be able to afford healthcare. Before this time, I was like any other hard-working individual. I had a job that paid well and a healthcare plan that paid for everything. Yet, when I found myself being wheeled away on a stretcher after being told I had to have emergency surgery my glory days of healthcare security became just a memory. Not having insurance meant that I would be responsible for paying for everything and everyone. The doctor, the nurse, the transporter, the radiologist, the bed, the wraps, the meals, the swabs, the person who wiped my backside and I could go on and on. Fortunately, there was a plan in place for the “uninsured” and that plan was called “Charity Care.” Had it not been for this, I probably would have asked them to keep me on that stretcher because I truly had no way to pay for the $50,000+ surgery they stuck me with. Am I saying that people shouldn’t be responsible for paying their bills if service is performed, absolutely not, but if it wasn’t for programs like these, for special circumstances like this one, what would people do? They would do, exactly what so many others are doing; lose their homes, file for bankruptcy, take out second mortgages, borrow, plead, beg and steal or, simply, doing nothing at all. Ultimately, they are caving into the pressure and stress of not being able to take care of their health. I cannot speak, and will not speak on whether this issue is about “the haves or the have nots” or someone who is Black, White, Asian or Latino. But what I know for sure, is that it’s about people, simply expressing, a lack of compassion for anyone other than themselves. And a lack of wanting meaningful dialogue to discuss both sides of the coin which really is what matters most. Not what you’re gonna lose, or how much political leverage you’ll gain but what you and your family, and your family’s family, and your children’s family can treasure most. The most important resource we have, which stands above the dollar and above any color line…is what we call LIFE. Perhaps in dew season, or this season, some folks will get that part right.

Beating the D

The other day I stood quietly by my locker as I watched a coworker speed pass me like his life depended on it. I managed to catch his eye briefly, and in that moment I saw him carefully wrap his hands around a bottle that he held ever so tight. He was visibly agitated and when I asked if he was okay he responded softly then replied “I will be, just as soon, as I take, my meds.” I tried not to see what “meds” he was talking about because this was no business of anyone else but him. But before I could turn away he stuck the bottle in my hands and all my eyes could focus on were the words D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N. It was as if they were superimposed not just me, but anyone else who was listening. And then I froze. I was unable to think of what to say next. It was awkward and I had no real way to recover? So instead of responding with some sort of generic response my mind starting flashing back to previous conversations I’d had with him. He was 26-years-old, black, good-looking and the father of a beautiful baby girl. I know none of this really matters but what it showed me was that depression had no labels and its ill effect can strike any of us. He and I flirted with each other months before this, until I reminded him that I was "old enough to be his momma” speech, every time he asked me out. I was flattered, but what I felt, that day, was an overwhelming sense of “what if?” What if I had chosen to go out with this young man. Or what if I had entered a relationship with him. What would it have meant for us? Would I be able to handle the momentary episodes that often come with this crippling disease? Would I continue to be the strong woman that I so often profess to be and love my friend through what could be many rocky roads ahead? Or, would I simply walk away without trying to understand? I also thought of my own family, the cousin with bipolar, another who is no longer with us but was drawn to a state of confinement unable to leave her home for fear of what might be outside her door or the grandmother I never met. The one I’d always heard stories of, the plain woman, the talented yet meek woman who died in a sanitarium or crazy home for those who knew differently back then. And when my journey was over, I thought of all the other friends, family, coworkers and strangers I’d had conversations with who proved themselves brave enough every time they woke up or walked out their own front door. Beating the D….beating the stereotype that depression can sometimes hold against them, the stigma of the D that many fight to break free from everyday. And in that moment I smiled to myself, not because I was grateful to God for allowing me to be spared from this but by allowing me to be in the path of that young man to simply say “It’s okay.” “Pray.” “It’s going to be okay.” Whether we know it or not, perhaps dewing, or saying something, just might be enough.

Does My Thinking Need An Adjustment?

Loving, caring, hard-working, successful, dedicated mother, multi-talented professional and independent woman. These are the words that describe my long time sister friend, Lisa Barclay. Since she was the winner of my blog challenge last month it only seems right to share her post. And if you'd like to read more stories from Lisa pick up a copy of my latest book "Journeys of Love Voices of the Heart" available now at: www.HillabeesandRoses.com. Enjoy her post!

Does My Thinking Need An Adjustment?

I try to start most of my work days with a devotional reading. You know, try to get my mind right as I prepare to do the corporate shuffle and deal with daily life. Today’s message resonated with me in a really big way because I’ve been going through some things in my personal life and as a result, I’ve had a lot on my mind. The message told a story of a woman who planned how her whole life would be in her head and when it didn’t turn out that way she was angry and frustrated. In her mind her husband was not the knight in shining armor as he practiced his daily ritual of coming home from work, offering no help around the house, criticizing her weight and the things she didn’t do; all the while assuming his couch potato, channel surfing position. Her house wasn’t the Elle Décor picture of perfection that she had hoped for. Things never seemed to stay in their place. The floor always needed mopping and the sink had a never ending pile of dishes. Her kids were not the perfect little angels she dreamed of because they never listened and caused daily chaos in the house. Over time, this woman’s daily mantra became, “Why bother? No one else does?” She let life’s disappointments block her view of the blessings in her own life. Sadly, she couldn’t see beyond “what wasn’t” in her life.
I have to admit I started seeing myself in that very same light and have often been guilty of adopting that same attitude. The message asked if we realized when our thinking needed an adjustment. Do we check ourselves to see if our thoughts have any true merit or have we allowed negative energy to influence our minds and our hearts? As an imperfect person, these questions give me great pause because I know that my thinking is not where it should be. I am grateful for the daily blessings in my life - my home, my son, food, clothing, a job, my health and so many other things. I often think about and pray for the people who are not as blessed and fortunate as I. Yet,in spite of my gratitude I have to stop and ask myself if I need to change my own thinking. As a self proclaimed, strong Black woman, I know I do. And just like the message that was based off of the scripture (Philippians 4:8-9), that change, would create more peace. In dew season and with God’s help, as I think differently and act differently the blessings of peace will rain down on my life. And that, is a much better, option to me.

Loving Myself Whole

Several years ago I found a letter from a lover who had written to a woman in another country. She lived, in Japan, I believe. When I read it, I was devastated, broken and numb. I suppose it was because we had dated for a number of years. Once I got to the end, I packed up my things, and raced out of his front door. There were no words that came from my mouth; I was simply in a state of disbelief and very, very angry. And with all that anger, came feelings of insecurity and doubt. I started picking myself apart, wondering what part of me he didn't love. Was I not attractive enough? Smart enough? Kind enough? Was it because I didn't have the long, silky hair that she had? Or was it, as he used to tell me, that I needed a more submissive spirit? As the questions continued to ring in my head so did my anger. So I used the address of the other woman that I managed to jot down a few days before to find some answers. I wanted all of my frustration and bitterness to be directed toward her. Not him. Not me. I asked how long they had been seeing one another although it really didn’t matter. I asked if she had also loved him even though I could care less. And then I wished her well and told her how I hoped that his mistake wouldn’t be repeated with her. And in that moment I found closure because I knew that his cheating had nothing to do with me at all. That period of my life, as difficult as it was, became the catalyst for me to stop the inner conversations of inadequacy and replace it with self love. And while there will always be the memory of that broken relationship I learned that there was more value in loving myself whole. In dew season, I pray, we all feel this way.

Power of Love: A Father's Day Message

This weekend I cried baby boo hoo tears, I mean the kind of tears you cry when you have that toothache that doesn't want to go away or the kind you cry after the passing of a loved one. And I couldn't stop them, because scene after scene I could feel the pain, torment and love Will Smith had for his son while facing a long, hard journey in the movie “The Pursuit of Happiness." Having never been a mother of anything other than a couple of cats when I was a kid I've never truly understood the bond that parents feel for their children yet I found myself not only appreciating, but respecting that bond this weekend. And, I held my candle high for the efforts and sacrifices that fathers make every day, all, in, the name of love. All too often we hear about the sacrifices of single mothers, those who have been forced to raise their children on their own. But rarely, do we hear the stories of men, especially black men, who stop at nothing to make sure that their children are fed. They work 2-3 jobs to pay for rent, bills, and food. They hustle up and down gang infested streets all hours of the night. They are our doctors, lawyers, teachers, poets, business men, athletes,janitors, construction workers, service techs, pastors, rappers, musicians and so many other men in between. But, each of them, share a common thread; the love, they have, for their kids. As I sat back and watched this movie, I witnessed a man who loss everything, his wife, his pride, even his home. But never, ever, did he lose the love he had for his son and he maintained that bond even when he didn’t have a dime to his name. He fed him, bathed him, clothed him, cheered him on in his successes and gave him wisdom that would far surpass the face on any dollar bill. He gave him his love, he gave him his presence, and nothing society says, can ever diminish that. No child support check can do it, nor can a pair of Nike shoes. So today, in honor of all fathers thank you for not giving up on us, especially the sons, daughters, nieces, nephews or children on your block or in your schools who may have been abandoned by someone else. You could have walked away, you could have turned your back, but instead you made the choice to simply love us. In dew season, I pray that each and every one of us experience this.

Oh, The Things I Will, Won't Do For Love....

I gotta admit. I’ve never been much of an organized person. Never been the type who hangs her clothes when I come home from work nor do I fold them after pulling them from the dryer. I don’t walk around with a list of daily do’s and don’ts. And rarely do I care what’s on my dinner plate. Just so long, as it’s good. That’s just not who I am, never has been, never will be, unless, it comes to choosing a mate.

For the past 20 years I’ve hopelessly struggled to stay true to my needs/wants as it relates to having a successful relationship. But, I often wondered, what’s the point? Men and women are always going to have differences therefore ya gotta roll the dice and take the good with the bad. Yet, even though I’ve held true to this mantra I still find myself changing my requirements almost as much as I change my taste in clothes.

I’ve watched them dwindle from a thesis, to a one page synopsis, all the way down to the length of a gas receipt. And while much of what I desired in my twenties still holds true in my forties, some of those qualities have slowly began to fade. Therefore, all that I have left is a list of “Things, I will, won’t do, for love.”

And so we begin…..

The Will’s

1.I will date a man with all of his teeth (minus the gold plates)
2.I will date a man whose stomach is bigger than mine (as long as it’s chiseled)
3.I will date a man with a less than perfect car (as long as it’s not his momma’s)
4.I will date a man who knows that chivalry is not dead ( I still enjoy having doors open for me even if it is only the bathroom)
5.I will date a man with a bald head ( as long as there’s no bumps on the back of his neck)

The Won’ts

1.I won’t date a man who’s cheap (in other words…frugal).
2.I won’t date a man who smokes (something about the smell annoys me)
3.I won’t date a man with more chest hair than me (bad experience, he had breasts)
4.I won’t date a man with kids (unless they’re from the same mother)
5.And finally, I won’t date for the sake of dating; I’m looking for my husband.

Generally speaking, this list idea has worked for me right up until my fairy love mother comes in to punish me for my sudden memory lapse. In other words, I tend to flip flop often, only to be stuck dating men I have no business with. And yet, I still long for that special someone the kind with the sense of humor, and pick-up lines don’t count. Or the kind who offers meaningful conversation that doesn’t include what he just ate for lunch. For those of us who still believe in the power of “the almighty list”, fairy god mother’s, fables, and knights in shining armor, all we really mean, and what we really need is…love. Or, at least that’s what I think I need. Oh well, perhaps I need another list to figure out the things I will…won’t do…for love, once and for all. In dew season, I’ll probably get it right.