Power of Love: A Father's Day Message

This weekend I cried baby boo hoo tears, I mean the kind of tears you cry when you have that toothache that doesn't want to go away or the kind you cry after the passing of a loved one. And I couldn't stop them, because scene after scene I could feel the pain, torment and love Will Smith had for his son while facing a long, hard journey in the movie “The Pursuit of Happiness." Having never been a mother of anything other than a couple of cats when I was a kid I've never truly understood the bond that parents feel for their children yet I found myself not only appreciating, but respecting that bond this weekend. And, I held my candle high for the efforts and sacrifices that fathers make every day, all, in, the name of love. All too often we hear about the sacrifices of single mothers, those who have been forced to raise their children on their own. But rarely, do we hear the stories of men, especially black men, who stop at nothing to make sure that their children are fed. They work 2-3 jobs to pay for rent, bills, and food. They hustle up and down gang infested streets all hours of the night. They are our doctors, lawyers, teachers, poets, business men, athletes,janitors, construction workers, service techs, pastors, rappers, musicians and so many other men in between. But, each of them, share a common thread; the love, they have, for their kids. As I sat back and watched this movie, I witnessed a man who loss everything, his wife, his pride, even his home. But never, ever, did he lose the love he had for his son and he maintained that bond even when he didn’t have a dime to his name. He fed him, bathed him, clothed him, cheered him on in his successes and gave him wisdom that would far surpass the face on any dollar bill. He gave him his love, he gave him his presence, and nothing society says, can ever diminish that. No child support check can do it, nor can a pair of Nike shoes. So today, in honor of all fathers thank you for not giving up on us, especially the sons, daughters, nieces, nephews or children on your block or in your schools who may have been abandoned by someone else. You could have walked away, you could have turned your back, but instead you made the choice to simply love us. In dew season, I pray that each and every one of us experience this.

Oh, The Things I Will, Won't Do For Love....

I gotta admit. I’ve never been much of an organized person. Never been the type who hangs her clothes when I come home from work nor do I fold them after pulling them from the dryer. I don’t walk around with a list of daily do’s and don’ts. And rarely do I care what’s on my dinner plate. Just so long, as it’s good. That’s just not who I am, never has been, never will be, unless, it comes to choosing a mate.

For the past 20 years I’ve hopelessly struggled to stay true to my needs/wants as it relates to having a successful relationship. But, I often wondered, what’s the point? Men and women are always going to have differences therefore ya gotta roll the dice and take the good with the bad. Yet, even though I’ve held true to this mantra I still find myself changing my requirements almost as much as I change my taste in clothes.

I’ve watched them dwindle from a thesis, to a one page synopsis, all the way down to the length of a gas receipt. And while much of what I desired in my twenties still holds true in my forties, some of those qualities have slowly began to fade. Therefore, all that I have left is a list of “Things, I will, won’t do, for love.”

And so we begin…..

The Will’s

1.I will date a man with all of his teeth (minus the gold plates)
2.I will date a man whose stomach is bigger than mine (as long as it’s chiseled)
3.I will date a man with a less than perfect car (as long as it’s not his momma’s)
4.I will date a man who knows that chivalry is not dead ( I still enjoy having doors open for me even if it is only the bathroom)
5.I will date a man with a bald head ( as long as there’s no bumps on the back of his neck)

The Won’ts

1.I won’t date a man who’s cheap (in other words…frugal).
2.I won’t date a man who smokes (something about the smell annoys me)
3.I won’t date a man with more chest hair than me (bad experience, he had breasts)
4.I won’t date a man with kids (unless they’re from the same mother)
5.And finally, I won’t date for the sake of dating; I’m looking for my husband.

Generally speaking, this list idea has worked for me right up until my fairy love mother comes in to punish me for my sudden memory lapse. In other words, I tend to flip flop often, only to be stuck dating men I have no business with. And yet, I still long for that special someone the kind with the sense of humor, and pick-up lines don’t count. Or the kind who offers meaningful conversation that doesn’t include what he just ate for lunch. For those of us who still believe in the power of “the almighty list”, fairy god mother’s, fables, and knights in shining armor, all we really mean, and what we really need is…love. Or, at least that’s what I think I need. Oh well, perhaps I need another list to figure out the things I will…won’t do…for love, once and for all. In dew season, I’ll probably get it right.

"A Rare Beauty"

I often wonder what life would be like for me if only I had looks like that of some celebrity or the body of a goddess. Would it be easier for me to date among the millions of other single women? Maybe, maybe not. Yet, right now, I'm just as happy being in the skin I'm in when there are thousands of other women with physical struggles that far surpass my occasional bad hair days, or acne parties. But for some women, just being able to get the attention of one,single man is almost as difficult as finding buried treasure. Yet, everyday they continue to try, through internet dating sites, bars, churches, networking events hoping that one day they might find their one true love or at best one date that would last for more than thirty minutes. Society has made it so difficult to look past the physical appearances of men and women that it makes any form of abnormality seem taboo. So when I read the article about a woman who suffered from a rare disease called Klippel-Trenaunary Syndrome, my heart went out to her. Her right leg is longer than her left therefore she walks with a limp. Her back is uneven with a fatty slab and a dense lump above her waist and there's a gigantic port-wine stain that reaches around her broad torso and down toward her right thigh. This woman is not the picture perfect celebrity that I mentioned earlier nor is she the average individual that we cross while walking down the street. She is unique, strange at best but she is, in fact, a woman who just like me has the same desires and needs that I long for. The need to be loved, the need to have the attention of a loved one, the need to be accepted for "who I am" and not what I look like. Her need to have all of these things has driven her to the likes of the Internet to find those things, unfortunately, dreams tend to fade fast and the reality of truth always sets in. She is deformed and there's nothing that she can do about that. No matter how beautiful her face is. No matter how much she enjoys her life. Truth is, most of the time she'll never be accepted for anything other than a woman whose deformed. And so that tiny, little secret becomes something she tries desperately to hide each time she goes on a blind date. And it's also something she must deal with for the rest of her life. As I continued to read her story I realized the shallowness I'd shown toward men at one time in my life by never fully embracing the shell that was within. I also thought of all those men who met her and chose to run the other way. Who never even experienced the joy of her conversation. Or the chance to see bravery at its best. How many of us would want the same if we were the one with the abnormal face, foot or hand. How difficult it seems, to love without restriction. Without judgement. Without fear. Perhaps when dew season comes, her story, like many others, will remind us that beauty really is skin deep.

"No Biking On Holidays"

400 Million? 400 Million? Did you say 400 Million? And this, isn't even, a lottery prize or the salary of a CEO from one of those corrupt banks on Wall Street. No, my dear, this, is the amount of money, that the city of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina may lose out on this Memorial Day holiday all because they are saying no to "The Black Bikers weekend" event. Well say it isn't so! But why would anyone be surprised when some of our aunts, uncles, cousins, friends and yes even grandparents have chosen to act a fool all in the name of fun! Now you can call me conservative. Or even a prude. Call me, whatever you so choose but before you finish reading this post at least you'll call me honest. For the life of me I can't understand why anyone would question the decision of residents who live in a community and pay taxes who try and stop an event don't have that right too. Especially when those residents see their poor town become mass destruction to the highest degree. What once was the pride of a city has become complete mayhem. And again, I say, all..in..the name..of fun! And yet supporters are crying that this is not what the weekend represents. Hmmmmm, I get it, so it's about peace and joy. Or as one biker put it,it's about other biker groups bonding and networking with one another, it's about showing off their Mercedes Benz, BMW, priced recreation vehicles, or sharing mechanical and maintenance tips and doing a little competitive racing and blah..blah..blah...blah. I get it! And while I understand the honest intent of those who earnestly believe that I know otherwise because I've attended. Well, unfortunately, alot, but not all of what you see isn't that. If it was, the community wouldn't take the chance on losing the type of dollars that I'm sure they desperately need. On the contrary, for many (again not all) of the men and women who go know exactly what this weekend offers: alot of flash, parties, nudity, drinking, sex, rawness, and yes, the opportunity to act like complete fools. Almost like what happens in Vegas....well, you know the rest. And for those who may see my thoughts as outdated or smug I'll say this. I have no problem embracing groups or organizations that choose to join because they have every right to (it's under the Constitution) but what I do have a problem with are those who question the choices of others when they don't agree. Let me put it more clearly, if I owned a house for 30+ years and had perfect strangers yelling and screaming outside of my house all hours of the night I'd have a problem too. Wake up people, this is not about race, or color or anything other than respect something that I pray many of those aunts and cousins I talked about will do. Until then, accept the fact that some folks will judge you not just by your words but by your actions and right now some just need to get their acts together. Perhaps in dew season they will.

A Mother's Day Wish

Today I agonized over which topic to discuss until I realized that Mother's Day was approaching. Why? Because that day has always been bittersweet. Not because my mother isn't in my life or because distance separates us but because the lines have always been blurred. Mainly, because my mother and I have always battled for as long as I can remember. Didn't matter what it was,there would always be a difference of opinion. Whether it was the outfit I chose to put on or the choice of hairdo I made, my mother was always going to have the last say. That's just who she is. And nothing that I said or thought would ever change that. But after all, didn't she have the right too? She is, in fact, the person that endured countless hours of labor for me to even exist. She is also the person who managed to go from working as a babysitter for myself and other neighborhood kids when I was young only to become a manager of a retail store. And she did this because she separated from my father and had to raise my sisters and I all alone. So whether it was a pair of shoes I needed for a dancing school recital or a ticket to a Broadway show, my mother always made a way. Once again, I say with admiration, doing it all alone and without the kindnesses of any strangers or anyone else. My mom was too proud for that. She was, and is, a pillar of strength. I guess this is where I get my tenacious spirit, always managing to bounce back from difficult situations. Therefore, this year, I'll take time out to thank my mom for all the arguments, the birthday wishes, the tears she made me shed from harsh words, the disappointments we shared together, the long talks, the heated exchanges we've had and last but not least the times we missed out on when both of us chose not to speak. Why? Because all of these things taught me how to be a much better person, and a much better woman than I'd ever hoped to be. On this day I'll push aside my judgement of the choices she made on how to raise me, and replace them with gratitude and appreciation simply because she gave me "life." In dew season maybe, just maybe, we'll all see the light.

"Meat Me In Another Lifetime"

As much as I hate to admit this, I love cooking! I say this because there will be a few "In Dew" readers who will see this as an opportunity for me to cook a good meal. But please don't get confused, I'm not talking about cooking that "mean ole pot of spaghetti" that folks are always bragging about. Or, that hearty breakfast with 2 eggs, toast, a slab of bacon and pancakes. Nope, I'm talking about that down home, give your mom a hand smack, finger licking type of food. The smothered pork chops, mac and cheese, rice and gravy, yams, and fried apples with biscuits sha-bang thing. The only problem is, as much as I like preparing it, I can't eat it! At all! Not one bite! A few years back I was diagnosed with "endometriosis", a very painful female related condition that causes severe pelvic pain and cramping. There's also other symptoms associated with it but for many women it's either misdiagnosed or goes undetected for years. It's the type of condition that will cause you to stay in bed for days laying in a fetal position, feel nauseous or have you thinking you just got hit by a truck. It's painful folks. And for years I complained to friends and family about not feeling good or cancelled activities because I didn't want to be labeled as the "party pooper." Yet, all the while I was suffering from an unexplainable, nagging sickness that I couldn't do anything about. Fortunately, alot of that's changed. And while I haven't undergone any sort of surgery for it I have changed my way of life. Thankfully, the pain I've grown accustomed to is no where near the level that it once was, all because I made a conscience decision to change the way I ate. I had to give up most,if not all of the foods I enjoyed. Hence, the beefs, the porks(no swine flu for me), the chicken (unless hormone and antibiotic free), the dairy (evil ice cream, didn't like chocolate anyway), and turkey. That meant no more lasagna( darn holidays) fried chicken (I miss you bad), scrambled eggs with cheese, short ribs...and so on and so on......Was it easy? Absolutely not! But given the choice of feeling better over feeling sick, the winner is.......And while I miss the taste of traditional cuisine and hate the fact that I can't just "eat any body's food", I know that I made the right choice. Besides, in dew season, I'll be able to eat anything I want and that includes asking God to "meat me in another lifetime."

For more information on endometriosis visit: www.Endofound.org an organization co founded by "Top Chef" co host Padma Lakshmi.

Dedicated To Delisia

I've always heard folks talk about people being taken before their time but in this case it seems totally unjustifiable, not even real, as I read about a wife, a new born, a 6-year-old and a husband dead as a result of a careless car crash in College Park, GA. Details aren't relevant. Neither is blame. But what's left is the testimony of a woman who soared like an eagle during her short time here. Delisia LeMons Carter was more than a mother, wife and friend, she was an advocate for young people, an author of the book "Overcoming Negative Self Talk," and the business owner of The Eagle Connection, a non-profit group created to teach others how to transform their lives. Something that Delisia LeMons-Carter knew well. Not naturally, but instinctively by drawing from her own struggles and experiences. And she created a new world for herself by pleasing others in the process. Although she was a victim of physical abuse, homelessness and poor self-esteem, she never let that stop her from pulling herself up and out of that downward spiral. I share my poem from the book "Journeys of Love Voices of the Heart as a dedication to one of God's most beautiful eagles. May she and her family rest in peace. For more information about the Eagle Connection or Delisia Carter's life please visit: www.TheEagleConnection.com/newsletters/aug08.html or www.TheEagleConnection.com

Peacefully I Soar

I heard a whisper from afar…cry not…..
I am here…..I am here.
I am in a place too glorious to describe.
I made it…. made it to the
top of the mountain. Made it to the gates
where crystal palaces are
real. Look up, not down, this is where I truly lie…
not beneath some
muddied ground because my soul has
already lifted. I’ve done my time so rejoice and
celebrate me, knowing that I made it over.
Finally getting the rest that I deserve…
I’m in a place where struggle is no more…
where peace is everlasting….
and love is unconditional….
no pain…just free…
free to fly and soar like an eagle high above
rainbows, dancing in the wind. I am here…
I am here……..I am here…..only now
I am a sweet spirit…
soaring high above the clouds.

Hillary Roy,from "Journeys of Love Voices of the Heart."